Public Information Films, short films commissioned by the UK government, were often used as filler during advert breaks on telly. Some were memorable for their catchy tunes, others for the catchphrases and others for the sheer terror they induced in us poor kids.
Catchy tunes
I grew up in the north of Scotland. Far north enough for a trip to Inverness to be ‘going down south’. In the summer a PIF that has been stuck in my head for fifty years was shown during every ad break. It’s a two minute mini-epic about how to drive on single track roads. As soon as that jaunty fiddle started up and young Bill Patterson1 sung the words ‘along the roads of the north and west/ you’ll find the scenery is the best’ I knew I had two minutes to dash to the kitchen and get a drink of juice.
I have no idea what sort of accent he’s singing in, though.
The tune is something of an ear worm for me; it’ll lodge in my head and is difficult to shift. But at least I know not to park a caravan in a passing place. It’s a great tip for driving around Sussex.
You wouldn’t steal a handbag
Another catchy if irritating tune was the unskippable advert that preceded films on DVD for many years. Over a jarred, beat-heavy tune we were told we wouldn’t steal a handbag, or a car, or a television2, but why would you steal a film.
No, I wouldn’t steal a car or a handbag. The only time I’ve watch a pirated film was A Clockwork Orange as a fifth-generation knock-off in 1990. It was almost impossible to watch, the quality was so poor. My excuse is that the film was barred from release in the UK by Anthony Burgess.
This was parodied in The IT Crowd and referenced by Ed Byrne in Different Class. Ed is about to watch the horror film Hostel Part 2 and reacts to the ‘You wouldn’t steal a handbag’ bit:
Don’t fucking tell me what I would and wouldn’t do. You don’t know me. I am drunk at two in the afternoon. In my pants. On my own. About to watch women being tortured to death by paying guests in an underground bunker in Eastern Europe. And you’re telling me I wouldn’t nick a poxy handbag?
Ironically enough, it turns out that the company who produced this film didn’t clear the rights for the music.
Charley says…
There were six films in this series, all about how to stay safe in the terrifying world of 1970s Britain. After the little boy misses out on going off with friends because his mum was busy, she rewards him with a picnic. The cat Charley (voiced by Kenny Everett) summarised the lesson of the film, miaowing loudly while gobbling a fish. Tony translated for us:
Charley says: always tell mummy where you’re going so she knows who you are with.
The catchphrase ‘Charley says’ got a minor revival when The Prodigy sampled this phrase for their 1991 hit Charly. The messages were simple warnings about stranger danger, playing with matches and water safety. Water safety is the subject of one of the more chilling PIFs.
I am the spirit of dark and lonely water
Standing proud as the scariest non-graphic PIF3 is this tale of terror, voiced by Donald Pleasance.
Pleasance wasn’t the only big name to lend their voice to PIFs. John Hurt gave a chilling voiceover to the “AIDS – Don’t die of ignorance” campaign, Bernard Cribbins and Brian Wilde voiced a film about the danger of playing near overhead power lines and flying kites near pylons. In front of the camera, David Prowse – the body of Darth Vader – was the Green Cross Code Man.
Lonely Water stands firmly in that genre of PIF known in the trade as “not mucking about.”
Looking at this PIF again, it’s remarkable how much rubbish there could be strewn around the countryside. Old washing machines, bedsteads, cars… It’s a wonder that poor kid at the end didn’t die of tetanus before he drowned.
- Who played RP Tyler in Good Omens among many other things. Had to get a Terry Pratchett link in. ↩︎
- This was the 2000s, when tellies were enormous. So of course I wouldn’t steal a television, who do you think I am, Geoff Capes? ↩︎
- There was one about playing safe on a farm. Very grim. ↩︎
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